It seems great for my story. But something feels missing or incomplete

Guest

It seems great for my story. But something feels missing or incomplete

Post by Guest »

She stepped out onto the terrace of his apartment. The woman stood there, allowing the darkness of the night to wash over her. Her hands shook as she licked her lips.

But her mouth still felt bone dry. Her heart beat wildly.

“Gotta think...gotta think.” She kept telling herself, as the girl paced nervously along the balcony. She looked over the railing and pushed a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. Contemplating how far to the bottom it was, “Maybe if I jump, it will solve everything.” She thought.

Spooked at the sound of sirens in the distance, slammed her back to reality.

“I gotta get out of here, now!” the woman said.

She raced back into the living room and grabbed her coat. Bypassing the bloodied body in the bedroom.

I like this. It seems great for my story. But something feels missing or incomplete. Can anyone see what it is, and help me?
Elizabeth

Re: It seems great for my story. But something feels missing or incomplete

Post by Elizabeth »

First, don't call a woman a girl. A woman is an adult, a girl is a child. Pick one. Several of your sentences are simply sentence fragments.
Frannie

Re: It seems great for my story. But something feels missing or incomplete

Post by Frannie »

It is the last sentence that does not evoke the shock at all. I would also evoke the feeling of wanting to jump without wiring it so explicitly. It is spooked by the sirens, not at
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