Delicate subject but just wonder if anyone has be through the same and what did you do?

[Guest]

Background: My partner has 2 grown up daughters (22), he left them 7 years ago to be with me, his relationship with their mum had already broken down and she wasn't even living in the same house. She moved back in with them when he left. They were never married.

It's his house and he paid for everything from the day they were born until they graduated from Uni and one moved in with her boyfriend and the other went to a different house with her mother after they decided they didn't want an official tenancy as my partner needed to protect his investment. They were exactly looking after the house.

My partner has worked his ar$e off for those girls to provide for them, evenings and weekends, because their mum decided she wasn't working whilst they were kids. She eventually got a small part time job when they were 15 but he was still paying all the bills at the house and bought a new car for her to ferry them around safely.

So over the last few years his relationship with them has deteriorated, fuelled by poison from their mother no doubt as she has nothing good to say about him, and we're now at the point, they didn't see him at Christmas  at all, emails are sporadic, very few words and not asking how he or their half brother is.

He asked to see them over this weekend as he knows they are altogether locally but has had no response. It's killing him that these girls hes doted on for 22 years are basically ignoring him. Its affecting his health and therefore his relationship with our son too. He hates opening email as the disappointment of no mail from them is so hard.

So finally my question is, should I get involved?

Should I email them and tell them the effect their behaviour is having on their father?

They are adults now not the 14 year olds I first met and let their father deal with them.

I lost my Mum 18 months ago and would hate them to regret not seeing their dad if anything happened to him, losing a parent is so hard.

Helpful advice, without judgement from those who may have been there, welcomed please.

[Amanda]

Albeit his children are older they are still his children. He still left them and that in their eyes is never going to change. They wont get over that. They are adults so they can choose who they speak to. He chose to have a life with you so that's what he should be doing.

[Alex]

They’ve probably not been poisoned by their mother so much as they’re rightfully resentful that their father chose you over them, left them at 14 to live with you and your child (I snooped some previous posts) - and then pretty soon after he impregnated you, to boot. Forget the “broken down relationship” he allegedly had with his ex when you met, he moved out of his house and away from his teenage children to live with you. He worked his arse off because that’s what parents do. It’s not anything spectacular or deserving of awards.

Stay in your lane. Your lane, to clarify, is nowhere near their business. Support your partner, but it’s not your place to contact his children.

[Gemma]

I wonder if this version of events could also be true-

Unmarried couple have twin daughters. Mutually decide that it's more cost effective for mum to stay at home with them and dad to work. Nursery fees are ridiculous. Babies could've possibly even had health issues, as is common with multiples.

Dad's career goes from strength to strength whilst mum is stuck at home, financially dependent on partner, but doing best to raise daughters. Career prospects seem like a distant memory due to being a stay-at-home mum for so long. Skills are probably rusty at best, and self confidence even worse.

Then relationship breaks down. Oh but they weren't married! So mum has to move out as everything is in dad's name. She's now left with nothing, because she dedicated her entire life to children.

Dad gets new girlfriend. He moves out. Suddenly he's the most generous person in the world because he allows ex back into family home to look after children (forgetting that it's actually their legal right to stay there). Mum has absolutely nothing, for reasons previously mentioned, and struggles to get a part time job due to years of not working. Dad helps financially and even buys mum a car! (While he has 2 houses and is financially secure).

Girls come of age and though still living with mum, dad starts charging rent.

Of course I could be totally wrong but

[Hayley]

I think you've posted this hoping that the girls will see it and you don't have to say anything and in doing so you've done yourself and your partner no favours!

He's lucky to get an email and you've publicly shared their life and relationship with their dad to over a million people on Facebook in a negative way. I wouldn't expect them to come running back to play happy families any time soon.

[Nikki]

I think your attitude as an adult is shocking.

What ever arrangements they made as a couple at the time... To work/ to not work/ to be a stay at home mum, how bills were divided and paid... That was between them. Has absolutely jack all to do with you. You sound bitter and resentful for no reason, it didn't effect you. And I wonder if you have ever heard both sides... I bet mums side of the story is very different.

The girls are adults now and he is their dad. Let him build the broken bridges with them himself he can figure it out.

[Lynsey]

If I’m reading the original post right the mum and dad had already split up and the mum lived else where for whatever reason. The dad had custody of the kids. Their dad chose to leave his own children when he was their sole caretaker for a woman he has fallen in love with? So in their eyes chose you over them.

Their dad paid for them but he is their dad he is meant to do this without singing it from the rooftops it’s his job.

As someone who has been in a similar situation to these girls they can make their own minds up they are adults and they probably now see that at 14 years old their dad put his own needs before theirs.

In short, don’t get involved. I’m sure your a nice person but the story you have been told by your partner is probably not all true. He should continue to keep trying to reach out to his daughters and give them his time and love because that is what they want.

[Stephanie]

Tbh, whilst I think it’s good that you think about this, I find your language quite unkind and disrespectful towards your partner’s ex and their daughters. How you describe the fact that she stayed at home to look after them and that he rightfully (!) supported her bringing up THEIR children speaks volumes about the fact that you don’t see them as equal and worthy. I think you need to work on your mindset.

I’d stay well out if it but maybe get your partner to explore how/why things broke down and be supportive if he wants to make an effort to repair bridges. If he succeeds in that, you might be able to have some sort of relationship with them in the future - which would also be nice for your child.

[Becky]

If you're not involved in the girls lives, how do you know their mum is poisoning their opinions? How do you know they haven't cut their own mother off? 14 is such a difficult age for all children but especially girls. It's so patronising to think other people are having an input on their opinion and memories. They will remember what happened for themselves and their views will have nothing to do with their mum because as women in their 20s they will have an understanding that relationships break down. But to walk away from their children who are approaching their exams and puberty.

Please don't get involved and don't persuade your partner to stop trying. It might get through to them that he is remorseful, if he is. But you need to take responsibility for this situation and so does he so please don't defend this.

This opinion is based on a 35 year old woman who had a very difficult relationship with both parents so please don't think this is an attack. This is first hand experience

[Nicole]

Sounds like she gave up work to raise their children. Not decided not to work. Also they are adult children big enough to decide for themselves. If they don’t want to see him it’s probably for a reason! You absolutely shouldn’t get involved as no offence your opinion is yours and that’s it. You have no idea what’s went on in their relationship or with his kids. You have one side of the story and you will no doubt cause a bigger issue!

[Rebecca]

Looking at previous posts, you have a 7yo, is that correct?

So when your partner left his teenage children who he had primary custody of and moved out, it was into a relationship where presumably you were pregnant/with a small baby.

Think of this from their point of view.

[Donna]

You talk about what he has done financially but it means nothing.
No kid cares about money. They want time. Did he give as much time as he did money?
If the answer is no. Then there's your problem.

[Lorna]

You started it saying he left his family to be with you . I think you've been involved enough tbh just leave it