THIS Question for mothers of teen boys...
I'm trying to write a scene about a 16-year-old boy who just had a really nasty breakup with his girlfriend. Therefore, he locks himself in his room all day, sulking angrily over it.
His mother knocks on the door to try and get his attention, but all she's getting in return is him shouting nasty obscenities through the door. Things like "Go away!", "Leave me the f*ck alone!", "I don't give a sh*t!"
She has no idea what's wrong with him. All she knows is he's terribly upset and being a little sh*t.
If you were his mom, how would you react to him? Would you shout back? Talk nicely? Or would you just leave him alone?
Have you ever had that moment where your struggling young man is just being a defiant jerk?
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David
Depends entirely on the family dynamic. There are many different ways a parent could respond, but here it would depend on the personality you’ve established for your character.
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Melissa
I have two 15 yr olds boys ( twins). Crappy attitudes are tolerated but disrespect isn’t. Thus, I would be very understanding for mopey ... not talking, focusing on video games, spending all day in his room, etc... That would result in a “What’s wrong baby?” However, cursing ... leave me alone & ownership over a room that he didn’t pay rent on will result in me removing your door (You don’t own that room. Thus your need for privacy does not overstep the boundaries that exist in healthy relationships. It is important you learn that at 16 not 30. He could earn it back.) & providing you a chore to direct all this negative energy.
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Heather
First off, having a 16 year old boy who had a similar situation (he didn’t curse at me, but he did yell). Because it was so unlike him, I was more shocked and hurt and he saw that. But I backed off.
He felt bad and came to me later. His anger diminished, he just broke down into tears. I held him and then asked what’s wrong. He told me. At first I just listened.
Then, once he said he was sorry for how he treated me, I used it as an opportunity to address the behavior, talking about how even when we are hurting, we can’t lash out at the ones we love. He nodded his head and apologized again. It was a sweet moment in the end. And they got back together.
He felt bad and came to me later. His anger diminished, he just broke down into tears. I held him and then asked what’s wrong. He told me. At first I just listened.
Then, once he said he was sorry for how he treated me, I used it as an opportunity to address the behavior, talking about how even when we are hurting, we can’t lash out at the ones we love. He nodded his head and apologized again. It was a sweet moment in the end. And they got back together.
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Arnie
She could slide a note under his door.
"I know you're hurting. Life sucks sometimes.
But I will always love you, and I'm here for you when you feel ready to talk".
"I know you're hurting. Life sucks sometimes.
But I will always love you, and I'm here for you when you feel ready to talk".
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Alissa
I'd feed him, chipotle probably, or tacos. Try to level. Not forced to open up. I am a Mom of three young boys and they need so much love. I've noticed when boys get older, society tells them to shut down, get quieter, be stronger, less emotional. So a little crumb trail of I love yous, their favorite food, their favorite movie, something to remind them that love may have left from one person, but there is still plenty from another.
A Mother's a-ha moment out of desperation with a kid who's telling her to fuck off, a chance to connect to the heart rather than close down.
A Mother's a-ha moment out of desperation with a kid who's telling her to fuck off, a chance to connect to the heart rather than close down.
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Briana
My kids are just hitting the teen years but when they do this I give them space and come back with food. When they are too upset to talk, drinking tea or eating a sandwich can be grounding and a helpful distraction. Often angry people are a bit “hangry” too. The first step is always to calm down and connect. After that you can guide/discipline.
But the way the mom reacts in your story should really be a reflection of her character and her relationship with her son. Don’t make her a generic Mom with no self of her own. Write her with her own gifts and hang ups.
But the way the mom reacts in your story should really be a reflection of her character and her relationship with her son. Don’t make her a generic Mom with no self of her own. Write her with her own gifts and hang ups.
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Bo Ruby
I have a 16 year old. If he spoke to me that way I would throw open his door and make him get up and come downstairs. The first things he would do is apologize. Then I would put him to work. Dishes, dusting, vacuuming... anything that needed to be done. Once he calms down he can apologize again and then talk to me about what’s wrong. There is no excuse for a teenager to talk to his mom like that no matter how bad he feels. If the mom in your story accepts his attitude he will continue to talk to her that way and it will get worse.
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Jessica
Talking through the door, but not raising her voice, “Listen. I don’t know what’s going on or why you are acting like this, but you DO NOT speak to me like that. EVER.” Takes a deep steadying breath. “If you want to talk about whatever is bothering you I’m always here.”
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Maro
If it’s a latina mom, she would burst through the door with a kick, take out her chancla and beat the cr*p out of him while saying
Latina mama: You don’t talk to your mama like that, you ungrateful kiddo, have some respect, everyone has problems and that doesn’t justify this attitude of yours, now go down to eat! Or you won’t get any dinner tomorrow, was I clear?
boy: I just had a breaku-
latina mama: Was I clear!?
boy: Yes ma’am.
Latina mama: You don’t talk to your mama like that, you ungrateful kiddo, have some respect, everyone has problems and that doesn’t justify this attitude of yours, now go down to eat! Or you won’t get any dinner tomorrow, was I clear?
boy: I just had a breaku-
latina mama: Was I clear!?
boy: Yes ma’am.
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Christy
I've raised my own sons, so I might be some help.
A good parent knows about their child's relationship situation. So mom would ask if anything's happened. If he indicates he doesn't want to talk about it, she'd let him know she loves him and is ready when he wants to talk.
Later on, if they want to talk, there would be talk about healthy relationships, validation of disappointments, talk of the free will and boundaries of the other person, and how to move on without hate or drama.
If another parent or mentor is in the picture, their influence is also important.
Edit: Also, it's important to not make his emotions a statement about his character. He's not a "shit." He's hurting. He's sad. He's not bad for feeling these things or not knowing how to process his emotions.
I read a really wonderful thing once that shifted my perspective as a parent. And let me preface this by saying that I'm in the military, 18 years, so respect is ingrained in my life and culture. I'll paraphrase:
"Don't make respect an idol in your family that is more important than a healthy relationship."
It's important not to make their emotions about you the parent as your initial response. Don't come out of the gate lecturing them on how they're allowed to feel or process. Set that issue aside and deal with comfort and providing secure attachment, then address appropriateness of their anger after. This allows them to feel safe to communicate with you and reduces anxiety and defensiveness so they can actually think critically.
A good parent knows about their child's relationship situation. So mom would ask if anything's happened. If he indicates he doesn't want to talk about it, she'd let him know she loves him and is ready when he wants to talk.
Later on, if they want to talk, there would be talk about healthy relationships, validation of disappointments, talk of the free will and boundaries of the other person, and how to move on without hate or drama.
If another parent or mentor is in the picture, their influence is also important.
Edit: Also, it's important to not make his emotions a statement about his character. He's not a "shit." He's hurting. He's sad. He's not bad for feeling these things or not knowing how to process his emotions.
I read a really wonderful thing once that shifted my perspective as a parent. And let me preface this by saying that I'm in the military, 18 years, so respect is ingrained in my life and culture. I'll paraphrase:
"Don't make respect an idol in your family that is more important than a healthy relationship."
It's important not to make their emotions about you the parent as your initial response. Don't come out of the gate lecturing them on how they're allowed to feel or process. Set that issue aside and deal with comfort and providing secure attachment, then address appropriateness of their anger after. This allows them to feel safe to communicate with you and reduces anxiety and defensiveness so they can actually think critically.
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Angela
I’m a therapist with a teen boy. My take might be different, I’d expect. If my son went to his room, that’s his only place to calm down and decompress, so no, I would not punish or yell if he reacted poorly or take it personally.
I would be concerned. I would wait and let him know I was there when he was ready to talk. I might try to approach later with an offer for food or a knock on the door to check on him but I would ignore the cursing other than to note that I’m concerned because I know he’s very upset.
I wouldn’t leave him alone in his room indefinitely because I’d want to check on him.
I would be concerned. I would wait and let him know I was there when he was ready to talk. I might try to approach later with an offer for food or a knock on the door to check on him but I would ignore the cursing other than to note that I’m concerned because I know he’s very upset.
I wouldn’t leave him alone in his room indefinitely because I’d want to check on him.