I’m struggling with trying not to feel like ‘I have no good Reno ideas’

[Guest]

Just wondering if anyone has tips on how to deal with my partner not liking most of my suggestions for our future Reno.

Our Reno will be a few years away but nearly every suggestion I’ve made, he hasn’t liked. My only absolute ‘must’ is a super over large butlers pantry because we grow a heap of our own food and we’ll need the space for preserving and storing our home grown food and, hopefully, will get to the point of selling our produce.

He totally agrees with the large butlers pantry but anything else I’ve suggested hasn’t got a positive response.

My previous relationship was very very controlling, to the point that it was DV. My new partner is an absolute sweetheart but any suggestion I make for the Reno gets shut down quite quickly.

I’m struggling with trying not to feel like ‘I have no good Reno ideas’. I realise that this is probably partly to do with my history of DV.

I signed up to the reno-school (with 100% encouragement from my partner) but anything I’ve suggested hasn't got a positive response.

Does anyone else have a similar experience and have tips?

[Tanya]

Reno related. So you need to both find a compromise. Ask him to give more specific feedback on what he doesn't like and to suggest alternatives. Not just naysay...you do the same. There is always a middle ground. I find providing visuals for ideas/suggestions helps them visualise it.

As a therapist. How does it make you feel when your suggestions are shut down/you aren't heard or ideas validated? What is the belief you make about yourself. You articulated the triggers in relation to your DV relationship, but where does it show up earlier than that. Trust me....it goes back further as well. Xx

[Jay]

So, with us hubby lets me control the design process entirely. If I ask him, he will have an opinion, but he will never offer it unless asked.

When I bounce something off him, I sometimes get a response I had not expected or considered, but one which works. Maybe open up the conversation more, ask him what he would like to do.

[Erin]

How are you communicating your ideas? My husband struggles with a vision - pictures work best for him.

[Michelle]

I wouldn’t worry about it if Reno isn’t for a few years. Tastes change. Ideas change.
Not worth arguing or feeling down for the next few years.
He may think differently at the time closer to Reno.

[Sandy]

Firstly... Tell him to pull his head in. It needs to be what you both want …not just him. Sit down and discuss it. If he won't compromise then don't do the reno.

[Morgan]

I mediate clients all the time in the same arguements. Sometimes it’s helpful to understand why they’re wanting it a specific way. Then tweaking it from there.

If you suggest say shelving in the butlers and he says no. Ask him does he have a plan for that area or why does he feel that way. Try to open a conversation up.

Good luck

Ps when you’ve been in DV a lot of things can trigger you and bring you back and remind you but different person is bring different intentions. Look at the body language and tone and hopefully it’s not too aggressive. I hope you’re okay but communication about how you’re feeling can go a long way

[Louise]

When I make suggestions with my partner about our reno I say what do you think about this or do you think this is doable normally he says no or It can’t be done and then a few weeks later he’s says so I was thinking how about we do this or I think this idea and 90% of the time it was my idea.

So, I would say don’t get disheartened discuss your idea show lots of visual some people can't imagine in there head what you trying to describe and then sit back and let him stew on it.

You might be surprised by planting the seed he might come around even if he does claim them as his own ideas.

[Hayley]

Firstly I’m sorry for your experience. Renovations/building is not easy. It’s definitely worth a discussion before all the stress of it hits. Can you back up your suggestions with evidence it’s a good idea?

You should speak with real estate agents in your area to see what people want and what sells well, use this group and any of your reno school forums to get opinions you can show him, use Pinterest to show him what you envision. It might not be that your ideas aren’t good, but that you aren’t communicating them in a way he can understand them. Mood boards, visuals, visiting display homes and houses for sale etc might be a way for him to ‘see’ what you like and make this experience fun and enjoyable!