How can I help my 5-year-old with bad behavior?

[Guest]

Any advice welcome. My 5 year old son is in reception, he is the kindest, loving & most helpful boy however, for the last two weeks at school his behaviour has completely changed. He gets agitated & angry easily, runs away from the teachers & throws things around the classroom putting other children in danger.

He has also been hitting or kicking his friends (the same 3 boys) and lashes out at the teachers.

I have tried absolutely everything, from talking to him, removing all privileges etc. Nothing seems to be changing his behaviour - I'm stressed because he is not like it at home at all he's like Jekyll & Hyde.

He has been great at school so far so I don't understand what has changed.

Understandably the parents are angry (as they should be) and it's causing me severe anxiety on the school run because I am so embarrassed by his behaviour.

I have two other children at the school & have no issues with them.

I will be asking for a meeting with the parents to apologise, I am not a soft parent at all but also not an extremely strict parent either.

I have kept him off school to give the children & teachers a break from him but when he went back it was the same thing. When I ask him why his behaviour is like this he says he doesn't know & doesn't remember what he's done, the teachers have also said it's like he goes blank and when he's calmed down he is so apologetic.

Can anyone offer any advice as I'm at my wit's end, have spent the last two weeks literally in tears everyday & it's affecting everyone (parents, teachers & my own kids).

Please no negativity about my parenting.

Thank you in advance..

[Lilly]

I could of wrote this about my son apart from he has been like this the whole year (apart from the first two weeks) he is 5 and in reception. They are assessing him for asd his twin sister is profoundly affected by her asd and on half days and waiting for a sen school and he is seeing all this. I'm not sure if it's learnt behaviour or if he literally is struggling. I get the same of I don't know etc and I don't punish at home for a school matter but I do speak to him about it. Boys also get a surge in hormones as well apparently. I'm hoping for my son it's a phase but wanted to let you know your not on your own x

[Rita]

Has he been unwell recently? Has his behaviour changed at home at all? Sending u a big hug xx

[Charlotte]

Ask for a communication book, what happened just before, during and after it’ll give you a behaviour pattern which in the long run may help also.

[Sarah]

He may be having sugar crashes, I’d take him to the GP and get him checked in the first instance. Has anything gone on with the boys? Has he said anything? Xx

[Sophie]

Behaviour is communication.
It's very likely that something is happening with these 3 boys.

[Michaela]

Sounds like he is struggling to regulate his emotions and rather than being in trouble for "bad behaviour" he needs help communicating.

My 5yr old has been like this all year but he has lots of support from senco and we now have referals for ADHD & Autism...we also have SLT involved to help him communicate better and occupational therapy...

The senco tells me every time I'm stressed over his behaviour (because his teacher has complained to me) that "behaviour equals communication" .. don't automatically discipline when you aren't sure of the cause... my sons been in trouble every day this year from 1 particular teacher and now I feel he is 10 times worse than before.

[Charlotte]

There is a lot that can /could he said. The internet will happily diagnose your child if you ask for their advice. Honestly the best thing to do is ask for a meeting with school, figuring out what the triggers are and what can help your boy feel a bit more settled and when he isn’t settled, ensuring that the teachers are seeing he is overwhelmed/ triggered and removing him before it gets to a point of no return.

Suggested: My nearly 4 year old is driving me nuts!

[Fiona]

When my daughter (now 21) was little she went through a few tough times. I found it hard to get her to open up so every night when she was in bed, night light on so she didn’t feel ‘in the spotlight’ we used to do this game. We called it Happy Thing, Sad Thing.

So I would say my happy thing from today and she told me hers.. same with sad thing. Then cross thing, Scared thing, Surprise thing, ending with Funny thing which meant we were laughing before she went to sleep. You can add/change as you like but keep the same ones every night. It becomes a little routine, a safe space to say how you feel. The number of times something came out of it that I had no idea about. I hope if you try it you may find it helps him & you. Good luck Mama, you’re doing a grand job. Xx. Ps we still do it now & then just for old times sake.

[Meranie]

Stop the discipline asap, there could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for his sudden change in behaviour, and discipline could be doing more damage than good.

Try and talk with your son about how he is feeling, work out at what times during the day it's happening, it could be he just isn't understanding something and doesn't know how to voice it, or ask for help.

A child doesn't change over night for no reason.

You are doing a good job, don't let other mums make you feel as though you're not.

[Jo Chow]

It sounds like your child is very stressed in the school environment at the moment.

Many kids tend to go batty at this time of year. They're doing all of the 'moving up' days around about now. Your child is probably trying to process the loss of his reception teacher and the fear of the unknown moving into y1, with a new classroom, new teacher who will have different rules. Perhaps they're even mixing the classes, and he's anxious about.losing his best friend. There's also a change from learning through play to more formal learning. It's all pretty frightening.

I'd try and keep demands low. Help him regulate and name his emotions and give him tactics to deal with his frustration and fear, such as a worry monster, a calm box or more movement breaks at school.

[Genevieve]

If he's done the whole year fine and it's only just started, it's likely to be a change in his world. Friendship dynamic shift, something at home that's different....something has thrown him off and it will settle down again. There is a book called The Red Beast which addresses outbursts like this in little kids and it could be useful for him to see how he can take control over the anger. Try and have a think about any changes in his life recently.

And whatever you do, try to mot get angry at him for this. Explain to the other parents that you're working on it but try not to vilify him. Lots of cuddles and self esteem building that you will work on his anger together is what he needs. He doesn't need to feel like a bad person. It is his anger not him and his character!

[Jen]

Term 6 is a completely different beast to the rest of the year. My boy always struggles during this term & has done since he started school. We think it’s the talk of the next year, plus tiredness from the whole year, then factor in all the ‘fun’ stuff they do - sports days, fairs, discos etc & he just doesn’t cope well at all! He got himself in so much trouble each week for this term last year when usually he is pretty good.

He has extra settling in sessions to meet his new teacher & everyone is aware of his extra needs during this term & we try to manage it better. I thought we were doing well this year until the weekend but he meets his new teacher on Thurs so I know that’s triggering him. Speak to the school - ours is amazing in helping him.

[Cat]

As for a meeting with the senco. They should be able to help to put actions in place to help him and to see if it’s worth getting an Ed psych in to refer for asd/adhd assessment. The teacher should be picking up on his behaviour before it escalates as well. As a mum of an asd kid I know that removing privileges etc doesn’t work. Please don’t keep him out of school as he might need to have routine. End of term is only three weeks away.